[Bollocks] Ep 001

[minime]

 [Cambot shoots a close-up of a flimsy British boy with long silver-hair and an anxious expression on his effeminate face. He looks around at the empty room, jumping back with a squeal as something clangs above. The large hexigonal screen on the opposite wall is blank, and he inches away from the high-tech equipment that looks similar to what powers those pesky children's card games. In jerky slow motion, as if the boy was tipsy and paralyzed from the waist down, he steps out of the cockpit into a large, dimly-lit hallway.]

"Bullocks, where the deuce am I now? I was just having my afternoon tea and crumpets a little bit ago, but this doesn't look like Madame Fuzzylumpkin's Coffee Shop..." 

[The camera pans out as the boy starts walking away, shouting in his high-pitched voice that echoes] 

"Helloooo? Helloooo? I want my mummy... Yugi? Te'a? Barney-Tristan? Weird. Am I the only Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged character here?"

[Yami overtakes Ryō, and the large moronic eyes squint menacingly, and thought-narration is suddenly audible] How can I exist if the main characters or my fellow evildoers aren't bloody here? Have, have the executive producers finally realized the sexy, maniacal extent of my British awesomeness?! Have I finally been promoted to the main character? Not even that bumbling fool Marik is here. [evil thought laughter]

[Cambot interrupts, and Bakura looks straight at the screen as it explains the rules and regulations of the Satellite of Love.]

 

"Wait a minute, the producers want me to make comedic comment on poorly written literature? I don't do funny. Are you bloody kidding me? I'm the host of Zorc & Pals, destructor of the universe, not a more handsome non-black and British Eddie Murphy! And how gay can you get with a name like 'Satellite of Love'?"

 

I'm so going to sue somebody. This bites.

 

[Yami sinks back into Ryō's subconscious] "Oh my, excuse me. I had another one of my mysterious blackouts that left me with a thirst for fresh baby blood. So, to get this straight: I've been transported from the Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged series to join other fictional characters in order to "riff" on crappy literature without restrictions of time and space, with any items in the universe at my disposal, in order to promote comedy based off a 1980s American cult-tv show? [American accent] That's totally rad, sign me up!" 

 

[Yami] Damn, could I have picked a girlier host? Oh well, show me to the gay people!

Comments

[itsjustthebots]

Well I'd watch 'Zorc and Pals'! Sounds like a hoot!

[minime]

You're a bloody robot, I'm sure you can Youtube it right quick. But where the deuce is everyone... I can't be the only one here--Am I the only here?

[itsjustthebots]

Well actually, the internet's pretty spotty and unreliable up here...you're lucky if you get dancing hamsters!

Nope, you're certainly not!

[minime]

Then where are they? I well hope there aren't any dancing hamsters, or other queer animals for that matter. [Ryo pops up and Bakura's face becomes squidgy] Ooooh Hamsters!

[itsjustthebots]

Ohhh, they're around! No hamsters, although there's some strange animals around here.

Also, pardon my asking, but have you got some kindaaa multiple-personality thing going on there? Like, Bond Villain British and Hogwarts Schoolboy British?

[minime]

[Ryo tilts his head in confusion] I don't know what you mean...

Yami's thought-dialogue: "He's as divvy as a lampost."

Ryo: But what kind of animals? Ooo, I've always wanted a pony but daddy kept beating me whenever I asked for one, saying I was not man enough for equitation. Are there ponies?!

Yami: "In the name of Rah, not ****in' ponies."

[itsjustthebots]

I'll take that as a probably.

Sure we got ponies! But you know, not the for-riding-on variety.

Why just last week I was a pony! With legs and everything! Really neat, actually.

[minime]

Ryo: Oh goody, that sounds like a smashing-good time! I wonder if I'll ever be turned into a pony... You know, this Satellite thing doesn't seem so bad.

Yami: "Dolt."

[Ryo yawns as rubs his eyes] But I'm feeling a bit knackered, where do we sleep?

[itsjustthebots]

Now that's the spirit!

Oh, wherever you wanna! Although there's a bunch of bedrooms on the second and third decks if you wanna pick something out.

[minime]

Right-o! Well, thanks Mr. Robot, cheerio ~ I betta be gettin' off to bed.

[Bakura runs up to the second floor to find his room]

[itsjustthebots]

That's Mr. Tom Servo to you. Although Mr. Roboto also works!

[And then once he runs off...]

...What a strange little man.

[cleverkit]

[Don't mind Wilykit's staring. She's just never seen someone who talks to themselves like that before. Or someone with such a floofy accent, either. Her Cambot gives her a little "be polite!" nudge after a moment, so the view goes into extreme closeup for a second or two before going back to normal.]

Er... hi. Trust me, after a week or so here, a name like "Satellite of Love" is going to be nothing in comparison.

[And suddenly she just breaks into song out of nowhere.]
I know it's hard, but soon you'll see
That this is all quite honestly
The strangest place you'll ever be
And we're stuck with no way to get free

[minime]

[Bakura, being the diffy he is, doesn't notive Wilykit's complete-conspicuous hairdo staring back at him, but he stares back into his cambot and smiles]

"Oh 'ello, who are you?" [laughs as the boy sings] "Well, I say, you're a sprity little chap. How long have you been here?"

[cleverkit]

I'm Wilykit! I've just been here a few we--

[And it just now clicks that something the new guy doesn't really fit...]

...I'm sorry, did you just call me a "chap?"

[minime]

[blinks as he's taken aback] Well yes, I did. I'm British, you know. [^_^]

[cleverkit]

British, huh? That's nice. And I'm a girl.

[She smiles right back, but it's slightly more strained than his.]

[minime]

[Bakura pauses and blinks, and laughs awkwardly] My bad, sorry miss! I'm used to being around tarts who can't keep their sexuality in their bloomers.

[cleverkit]

[Wilykit's eyebrows knit together when she hears Bakura's explanation. After giving it a moment's thought, she responds as succinctly as she possibly can.]

You're weird.

[minime]

It's because I'm British, isn't it?

[frowns and looks like he's about to cry]

Everyone's always calling me weird even though it isn't me, it's the bloody wankers I'm surrounded by. If you knew what kind of crowd I've been parodying alongside with, I would think you'd agree that I'm the most normal... on a tad-bit weighted scale, like a college-level Philosophy grading rubric.

[cleverkit]

What? No, of course no--aw jeez, don't cry.

[Everything Bakura says just keeps confusing Wilykit more and more. Sorry Limey Man, but where she comes from, everyone pretty much stays on their side of the fourth wall.]

Look, obviously you're very confused and disoriented after being brought here. Why don't you just take a deep breath and go lie down for a little while?

[verygassy]

Fresh...baby...blood...

[minime]

[Yami mentally snickers]

[alleyenobrain]

Were you crying 'bout your lost snack?
Well then here's a nifty thing,
(And don't you write me off
Just 'cos I've been forced to sing,)
We've got this thing to feed you
Whatever might make you content:
Biscuits or scones or tea
And other things to fit that accent!

[minime]

Yami: "...Gay."

Ryo: Wow! You guys sing too, I think I've died and gone to nancy boy heaven! Well Mr. Singing Robot, can you lead me to where I can get a bite to eat? You guys don't eat do you, or else you could join me!

[alleyenobrain]

Oi, watch the tongue,
The melody's not something I went and chose,
Just something this place does now an' then,
Sorta keeps you on your toes!

But sure, got nothing better to do,
Know my way around here good,
Sure can't of anything more exciting
Than giving organics some food.

((To Cafeteria?))

[minime]

[Ryo smiles a Japanese smile--eyes closed and no teeth bared] Right nifty! Lead the way my good...robot~

((Kotetsu is cooking something in the cafe on the Cambot page, we can join! ^_^))

[sailorlaughter]

[Ponyphobia? HAVE A SUDDENLY APPEARING PONY]

Welcome, welcome, welcome!
To the Satellite!
We've got lots of fun and games to fill you with delight!

And here's a cupcaaaaaaake~ [With a cupcake. Yes.]

Bugga!

[minime]

[Ryo's eyes widen and he grins wide]

Ryo: My word, I never thought I would actually see a live, talking---

[At this moment Yami takes over Ryo's body in a violent wave that switches the grin to a snarl, and the eyes into pointy daggers]

Yami: Bugga! You've got to be ****in' kiddin' me. First dancing hamsters, then tiger boy with crazier hair than Yugi's, gay singing robot, and now a bloody ****in' talking pink pony. If 4kids hadn't already filed chap. 11 bankruptcy, I would sue them. Bollucks. This is character harassment!

[Bakura's British ranting cuts sharply away as he glares at the random cupcake. Then, he switches this link off and the screen goes black]