[Bollocks] Ep 001

[minime]

 [Cambot shoots a close-up of a flimsy British boy with long silver-hair and an anxious expression on his effeminate face. He looks around at the empty room, jumping back with a squeal as something clangs above. The large hexigonal screen on the opposite wall is blank, and he inches away from the high-tech equipment that looks similar to what powers those pesky children's card games. In jerky slow motion, as if the boy was tipsy and paralyzed from the waist down, he steps out of the cockpit into a large, dimly-lit hallway.]

"Bullocks, where the deuce am I now? I was just having my afternoon tea and crumpets a little bit ago, but this doesn't look like Madame Fuzzylumpkin's Coffee Shop..." 

[The camera pans out as the boy starts walking away, shouting in his high-pitched voice that echoes] 

"Helloooo? Helloooo? I want my mummy... Yugi? Te'a? Barney-Tristan? Weird. Am I the only Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged character here?"

[Yami overtakes Ryō, and the large moronic eyes squint menacingly, and thought-narration is suddenly audible] How can I exist if the main characters or my fellow evildoers aren't bloody here? Have, have the executive producers finally realized the sexy, maniacal extent of my British awesomeness?! Have I finally been promoted to the main character? Not even that bumbling fool Marik is here. [evil thought laughter]

[Cambot interrupts, and Bakura looks straight at the screen as it explains the rules and regulations of the Satellite of Love.]

 

"Wait a minute, the producers want me to make comedic comment on poorly written literature? I don't do funny. Are you bloody kidding me? I'm the host of Zorc & Pals, destructor of the universe, not a more handsome non-black and British Eddie Murphy! And how gay can you get with a name like 'Satellite of Love'?"

 

I'm so going to sue somebody. This bites.

 

[Yami sinks back into Ryō's subconscious] "Oh my, excuse me. I had another one of my mysterious blackouts that left me with a thirst for fresh baby blood. So, to get this straight: I've been transported from the Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged series to join other fictional characters in order to "riff" on crappy literature without restrictions of time and space, with any items in the universe at my disposal, in order to promote comedy based off a 1980s American cult-tv show? [American accent] That's totally rad, sign me up!" 

 

[Yami] Damn, could I have picked a girlier host? Oh well, show me to the gay people!

Comments

[cleverkit]

[Don't mind Wilykit's staring. She's just never seen someone who talks to themselves like that before. Or someone with such a floofy accent, either. Her Cambot gives her a little "be polite!" nudge after a moment, so the view goes into extreme closeup for a second or two before going back to normal.]

Er... hi. Trust me, after a week or so here, a name like "Satellite of Love" is going to be nothing in comparison.

[And suddenly she just breaks into song out of nowhere.]
I know it's hard, but soon you'll see
That this is all quite honestly
The strangest place you'll ever be
And we're stuck with no way to get free

[minime]

[Bakura, being the diffy he is, doesn't notive Wilykit's complete-conspicuous hairdo staring back at him, but he stares back into his cambot and smiles]

"Oh 'ello, who are you?" [laughs as the boy sings] "Well, I say, you're a sprity little chap. How long have you been here?"

[cleverkit]

I'm Wilykit! I've just been here a few we--

[And it just now clicks that something the new guy doesn't really fit...]

...I'm sorry, did you just call me a "chap?"

[minime]

[blinks as he's taken aback] Well yes, I did. I'm British, you know. [^_^]

[cleverkit]

British, huh? That's nice. And I'm a girl.

[She smiles right back, but it's slightly more strained than his.]

[minime]

[Bakura pauses and blinks, and laughs awkwardly] My bad, sorry miss! I'm used to being around tarts who can't keep their sexuality in their bloomers.

[cleverkit]

[Wilykit's eyebrows knit together when she hears Bakura's explanation. After giving it a moment's thought, she responds as succinctly as she possibly can.]

You're weird.

[minime]

It's because I'm British, isn't it?

[frowns and looks like he's about to cry]

Everyone's always calling me weird even though it isn't me, it's the bloody wankers I'm surrounded by. If you knew what kind of crowd I've been parodying alongside with, I would think you'd agree that I'm the most normal... on a tad-bit weighted scale, like a college-level Philosophy grading rubric.

[cleverkit]

What? No, of course no--aw jeez, don't cry.

[Everything Bakura says just keeps confusing Wilykit more and more. Sorry Limey Man, but where she comes from, everyone pretty much stays on their side of the fourth wall.]

Look, obviously you're very confused and disoriented after being brought here. Why don't you just take a deep breath and go lie down for a little while?