10 April 2012 @ 04:09 pm
[Schadenfreude] Ep 002  
 [A tarty silver-haired Brit pops on, with his slender back to the screen. He seems to be tinkering with something, shouting British naughty words as loud clanging and banging sporadically ring out. Sounds like a Looney Tunes construction montage, the bustle of activity and the sound of random tools being used, except no cloud of smoke. Oh, now there is. And Bakura is getting increasingly more colorful in his use of language as he throws down the screw driver and wrench he had been holding, which came from some inexplicable source.]

Bollocks, I don't know a wink how this bugga works anyhow. Stupid machine!

[He turns about and gives the thing a smashing kick, and near topples over the table beside him. The camera shows a view of the cafeteria and the food dispenser, which is sparkly and shows no sign of being tampered with, though this machine was obviously the subject of Bakura's construction efforts. The smoke dissipates and Bakura steps up to the machine with a set frown. He presses a few buttons.]

Bangers and mash. Get it? Long stick things of meat, and some fried potato, not cut, mashed, hence why it's bangers and mash. See, no funny business or--

[The machine dings and out pops a tray that stinks of dirty laundry and Bakura struggles against the machine in livid dejection.]

No, not a bong and hashish, please! Is that even legal? Oh, bugger.

[He tosses the articles in the trash and mumbles to himself.]

Well, I suppose I have to do it myself. Here we go. Meat, potato, what else? Oh I dunno. How 'bout soy sauce, butter, eggs, and paprika. I love paprika! Now.... I have to get the meat into bangers and the potatoes into mash, yes. Mummy used to cook with butter, so I should put some, no, this much?

[Bakura scoops a spoonful of margarine, that machine was just poking fun at him now, into the pan. He waited for it to melt, but then he realized he didn't turn the stove on. A few minutes later, Bakura is still wrestling with the stove and the meat, which the machine decided would be a steak, was leaking onto the counter. He cut the meat into chunks and started rolling them into cylindrical blobs, but they wouldn't stay so he just threw the tenderized chunks in with the mashed potato and butter. Then he tried to figure out what he would do with the eggs and spices. He decided to throw them in too, a few shakes here and a scrambled omelette later, he came up with a slightly burnt but still functional breakfast.]

Now, what about tea?

[He addressed this comment to the machine like it was a robot. Its response was to pop out a cup of cold Nestea, and Bakura was too tired after making a mess cooking to care much. He figured it was better than starving.]
 
 
24 February 2012 @ 12:40 pm
[Bollocks] Ep 001  
 [Cambot shoots a close-up of a flimsy British boy with long silver-hair and an anxious expression on his effeminate face. He looks around at the empty room, jumping back with a squeal as something clangs above. The large hexigonal screen on the opposite wall is blank, and he inches away from the high-tech equipment that looks similar to what powers those pesky children's card games. In jerky slow motion, as if the boy was tipsy and paralyzed from the waist down, he steps out of the cockpit into a large, dimly-lit hallway.]

"Bullocks, where the deuce am I now? I was just having my afternoon tea and crumpets a little bit ago, but this doesn't look like Madame Fuzzylumpkin's Coffee Shop..." 

[The camera pans out as the boy starts walking away, shouting in his high-pitched voice that echoes] 

"Helloooo? Helloooo? I want my mummy... Yugi? Te'a? Barney-Tristan? Weird. Am I the only Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged character here?"

[Yami overtakes Ryō, and the large moronic eyes squint menacingly, and thought-narration is suddenly audible] How can I exist if the main characters or my fellow evildoers aren't bloody here? Have, have the executive producers finally realized the sexy, maniacal extent of my British awesomeness?! Have I finally been promoted to the main character? Not even that bumbling fool Marik is here. [evil thought laughter]

[Cambot interrupts, and Bakura looks straight at the screen as it explains the rules and regulations of the Satellite of Love.]
 
"Wait a minute, the producers want me to make comedic comment on poorly written literature? I don't do funny. Are you bloody kidding me? I'm the host of Zorc & Pals, destructor of the universe, not a more handsome non-black and British Eddie Murphy! And how gay can you get with a name like 'Satellite of Love'?"
 
I'm so going to sue somebody. This bites.
 
[Yami sinks back into Ryō's subconscious] "Oh my, excuse me. I had another one of my mysterious blackouts that left me with a thirst for fresh baby blood. So, to get this straight: I've been transported from the Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged series to join other fictional characters in order to "riff" on crappy literature without restrictions of time and space, with any items in the universe at my disposal, in order to promote comedy based off a 1980s American cult-tv show? [American accent] That's totally rad, sign me up!" 
 
[Yami] Damn, could I have picked a girlier host? Oh well, show me to the gay people!
 
 
Current Location: Deck 1 - Cockpit
Current Mood: Jittery